BHO: The Lost, Last Interview
This reporter recently had a chat with President Obama. It was just a few days ago and things were swirling the social media in regards to the “Between the Ferns” with Zack LstNmUnPronownsable. We have all seen it—BHO ducking ridiculous questions by providing ridiculous answers. Our interview went like this:
It was a particularly cold 3:00 am when the President agreed to talk to me. We met outside the Secret Service Guard shack, just outside the Oval Office. BHO uses the spot to have a smoke (or a young Indian) now and then.
Me: Good morning MR President. That is a particular sexy piece of lingerie you are wearing. Did you accidently put on Mrs. Obama’s bathrobe on the way out the door?
BHO: Nope, It’s mine. It was made for me by LaQuencia Krakstinkia. Some down and out hooker I gave a free cell phone. Michelle was particularly jealous of that one.
Me: What was she jealous about?
BHO: The free cell phone. Michelle’s always bitchin’ about something. She’s got thirteen cell phones each with someone to operate it for her. LaQuencia didn’t have to blow me to get hers, Michelle did. I think that is the problem.
Me: TMI Mr. President, TMI. Let me ask you about your signature legislation, The Affordable Care Act, more notably known as ObamaCare.
BHO: Let’s keep it at The Affordable Care Act. I’m trying to distance myself from that dog turd.
Me: Why is that?
BHO: Didn’t you hear me? It is a big steaming pile of dog crap. If you print that, you’ll never be able to see me again in this lovely nightgown. Now the flies are off their chain again!
Me: I’m glad we cleared that up. Let’s take the promises you made one by one and you can explain to the public why they are so different that what actually took place. Can we do that?
Me: OK First statement. “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.” Why are millions plans that people liked being cancelled left and right?
BHO: That was taken out of context.
Me: How so? You said the same thing a couple of hundred times in dozens of speeches and interviews.
BHO: I blame my handlers. Each and every time I said it, my handlers told me before I went on stage that I was addressing a convention of ‘Jenny Craig’ dieter/members and their ‘infomercials’. I had no idea otherwise. It wasn’t until October of 2013 did I realize anyone was actually paying attention. Come to find out, GW Bush had planted a mole in my teleprompter operating team. They we sabotaging me and my signature legislation and I didn’t even know.
Everyone can now plainly see that they can’t keep their current health insurance coverage and had they read the 20,000 page bill/law, they would have known that I must have been talking about something else when I said that.
Me: OK, that’s fair enough. How about “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor?”
BHO: Yeah, I said that. What’s your point?
Me: Many doctors and hospitals are actually either quitting or closing up shop because of Obamacare.
BHO: The Affordable Care Act, you moron. What did I say about that? (As he uncrossed and crossed his legs like Sharon Stone)
Me: You’re right, I’m sorry. It is just that you and all of the proponents and opponents of this law have been calling it that for about 5 years–. If you uncross and cross your legs like that again Mr. President, I‘m afraid I might be needing treatment for restless leg syndrome or something more serious.
BHO: Sorry about that, I thought you were a player. Anyway, RLS isn’t covered under ACA, so I’d better be careful as to whom I flash. Don’t need any lawsuits.
Me: OK, next question: What about the family average saving of $2,500.00 per year? In more cases than not, the cost has as much as doubled. How did that happen?
BHO: I guess you didn’t hear my last pitch. I meant to say (damned teleprompter terrorists) was in order to afford the Affordable Care Act, cell phone and cable TV subscriptions will have to be cancelled. Quite possibly you will have to get a second or third mortgage on your house, cut of your water if you are connected to a utility company, shut off your electricity, eat water flavored rice cakes and start growing and raising your own food and recycling your families’ urine and feces as fertilizer. If they had read the bill/law they would have known that as well.
Me: If everyone follows that logic, commercial farmers will close down, water, telephone, cable and electric companies will shut down, and no one will be able to afford to buy anything. Stores, manufacturers, restaurants, flea markets etc will close down, tens of millions more out of work, malnourished and homeless. What do you say about that?
BHO: Yep. What’s your point? They’ll all have health insurance. If you have your health, you have everything. Or so I have been told. If the semiliterate American’s had read the 20,000 page law they would have already known this. They would not have been surprised.
Me: So it is the American People who are to blame for your misdirection?
BHO: Yesiree Bob. I can’t blame GW Bush for everything. No one will take me seriously if I did that too often. I let my supporters do it for me.
Me: Someone once said that poor people have been voting for Democrats for 50 years and they’re still poor. How do you respond to that?
BHO: Since it started 50 plus years ago, I would have to say that it isn’t the same poor people every time. Some of them are dead. What is the issue? Even I know you can’t legislate people in to prosperity. No telling what those poor people were thinking when they switched to the Democrat side of the isle and stayed loyal to the DNC. All I know is that it has kept me employed. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I say.
Me: I guess there isn’t an issue then. What about the IRS scandal?
BHO: What about it? You saw the ‘package’ a bit ago. How do you think I get Lerner and Sibelius to drink the Kool Aid? Harry Reid follows along almost for the same reason. I just tease him with it, though. He’s too old for my taste.
Me: What about Bengazi? What happened?
BHO: Do you not watch the news? I got NBC, CBS and ABC to either stop reporting about it or have it spun so as to place the blame on Hillary Clinton.
Me: Was it her fault?
BHO: Nope. All mine. For a time there, it looked like Hillary had some sort of brain tumor and she was checking out soon. Why not spin the blame on her? Now it looks like that bitch is going to live and possibly run for President. I’ve been looking for another ‘albatross’ to hang around her neck and it now looks like any Democrat looking to get elected, or re-elected, will have the ACA to drag them down. Not that I’m sorry. Those guys are idiots. Nary a one of them are smart enough to talk themselves in to a Community Organizer job like I did.
Me: You’re pretty tough on your fellow Democrats, why?
BHO: Other than Pelosi, Lerner and Sibelius, I don’t have a clue as to why they follow me around like a puppy, repeat everything I say like a parrot and protect me like I’m the Crown Jewels. That makes them dumb and unable to think on their own. This is good for me when I take the law in my own hands and they back me up, but bad for the country.
Me: Wouldn’t you want them to have the country’s best interest in heart, not just to kiss your ring?
BHO: Those guys can have the country’s best interest in heart after my term is up. I might have been the worst President ever, but I will always be known as the first black President. They’ll never be another first black President. My spot in history is cemented. I’ll be as famous and well liked as Herbert Hoover. And everyone knows… nothing sucks like a Hoover!
Me: In a statement attributed to Vladimir Putin, it was said that dealing with you is like playing chess with a pigeon. You run around the board, knock over all the pieces, shit on the board and strut around like you won the game. How do you respond to that?
BHO: You ought to see me do it in my Snoop Dog, pimp outfit. It is quite impressive.
Me: Well Mr. President, thank you for taking the time to speak with me this morning.
BHO: Easier to speak to you than to go back to bed and ride the bucking bronco known as Michelle Obama. Have you seen her ass?
In 2014…GET OUT AND VOTE!
GET OUT AND VOTE