…..backing the hitch into the water!
Washington, District of Corruption; 11/12/13.~~ PTP Staff writers~~
The Affordable Pontoon Boat Act.
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: “The Affordable Pontoon Boat Act” declaring that every citizen is required by law to purchase a new pontoon boat, by April 2014.
These “affordable” pontoon boats will cost an average of $25,000-$250,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.
This law was passed, because until now, typically only semi- wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase pontoon boats. This new laws ensures that every American can now have a “affordable” pontoon boat of their own, because everyone is “entitled” to a new boat. If you purchase your pontoon boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 “free” life jackets; or 4 “free” blow-up dolls, not including monthly service usage fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable pontoon boat, the government will purchase (take-over) local marina’s allowing the IRS to monitor procurement. Government owned marinas will increase the costs of owning a boat on an average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their pontoon boat will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parent’s boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own party pontoon boat.
If you already have a pontoon boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don’t want or don’t need a pontoon boat, you are now required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one. If one does not pay the fees, you could face imprisonment or be forced to party with Dick Durbin like it’s 1999.
Failure to use the pontoon boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; ghettos; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your pontoon boat.
A government review board (that doesn’t know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your pontoon boat along with how many people can ride on your party barge and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their pontoon boat. They will also decide if your pontoon boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories, (like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive pontoon boat.
The government will also decide the name for each pontoon boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a party pontoon boat, they and their families can obtain party boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations ($$$) are also exempt.
Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so.
It’s only fair.